Healing The Toxic Empath-Narcissist Cycle
& how I healed my 10-year relationship with a narcissist
I have to be honest, I’ve tried writing/podcasting this episode several times in the last year. Every time I sit down to do it, I get so energetically drained and exhausted. I now feel in such a better place to be able to talk about the empath-narcissist cycle, share my experience, and shed some light on how I healed my empath-narcissist relationship of 10 years. I think finally opening up about this will be healing for me as well, and I hope will give you some insight on how to heal your own relationships.
If you identify as an empath, someone who absorbs the thoughts, opinions, energies, emotions of other people and experience them as your own, you might find yourself attracting a lot of narcissists.
Now this is all a spectrum, people can have empathic tendencies but not be a full blown empath, and people can have narcissistic tendencies and not be a full blown narcissist. It’s a spectrum. But typically, people on opposite sides of the spectrum find themselves in relationships — romantic and otherwise. Why is that?
The empath tends to be a people pleaser, seeing the good in everyone, and honestly, gullible at times. The narcissist loves the world catering to them in any way shape or form. The narcissist loves to take the empath’s caring, open, soft energy, and the empath loves to people-please and lift up the narcissist. It’s also a classic case of opposites attract. I think on some subconscious level, the empath is so intrigued by the narcissist’s DGAF attitude towards other people, and the narcissist is so intrigued by the empath’s true empathy.
This dynamic often brings the two into a toxic, push and pull relationship. If you’re an empath, you could attract narcissists in your family, friendships, romantic relationships, or coworkers and have extreme energy drainage if the relationship isn’t managed.
What is a narcissist?
People are throwing around the terms empath and narcissist a lot to the point where it’s important to actually define what they both are so that it’s clear.
An empath is someone who absorbs the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and energies of other life forces around them and experiences those energies as if they are their own. NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a long-term pattern abnormal behavior, exaggerated sense of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, lack of empathy, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5). The narcissist will love bomb, gaslight, be extremely charming to manipulate our minds.
What makes a narcissist?
It can be a result of genetics, it can be early childhood detachment where the baby didn’t have any bonding with their mother or parents, neglect from parents, or a chaotic childhood where they had to harden up and focus on their needs to survive. This is why I always say we are all empathic to some degree, even the narcissists absorbed some type of trauma that hardened them to create a lack of empathy for others in order to survive.
How to spot them in a romantic relationship?
Usually, they expect you to comply with their needs first and foremost. They can manipulate your emotions to make you comply with what they want. They often gaslight and distort your reality so that it fits their reality. They talk over you, everything always comes back to them, they have no desire to care for others or show others respect. They really truly believe the world should revolve around them. They tend to love bomb you and isolate you from your friends and family so that you rely on them.
Of course there’s a spectrum, someone could have narcissistic traits, while another person could be a malignant narcissist (which has some traits that overlap with sociopathy). If they have some traits, the relationship could be workable, but typically a narcissist will be unwilling to change their ways, go to therapy, or do any of the inner work to create healthier relationships. This makes it difficult for the empath to let go of the relationship — they want to help the narcissist, they want to make it work, they idealize the potential in them, and feel guilty for stepping away. Empaths often can’t see through the false front that the narcissist so effortlessly puts forward.
How to spot them in other areas of your life?
In your workplace, your boss or coworker will often get aggravated when something doesn’t go their way, some verbal and emotional abuse to make you conform to their needs, or demand compliance and threaten to have you fired.
In a family setting, often narcissists will manipulate your emotions, make you comply with their needs, not give you anything in return, and feel no empathy for you. There is a tendency for empaths to keep attracting narcissists because maybe they grew up with one or they feel they need to heal childhood people-pleasing through another narcissist.
What’s in it for the narcissist?
It’s all about having power over someone else. In their eyes power and taking other people’s energy gives them the entitlement and pompous empowerment they want.
It makes it that much more important for an empath to claim their power. There is a tendency for the empath to want to completely give up their power, totally surrender to the person. It’s so much easier to just fall to the narcissist’s path, but the empath can get extremely drained and exhausted if they do. They can lose their sense of self and rely on the narcissist when the narcissist can’t show up to the relationship. The narcissist will suck the energy dry in the empath without any reciprocation. It’s so important for the empath to maintain their energy and power as they deal with the narcissists and we’ll talk about how to do so.
My experience with narcissists
So obviously I’ve been hesitant to share this all, mostly because I only recently separated from a narcissist I had a kind of relationship with for almost 10 years. I always felt that I couldn’t talk about it honestly because I was still engaging with it and not living what I preach to my community. Only recently have I seen everything with clear glasses and understood the need to eliminate that relationship from my life.
So this relationship I’ve talked about in my past lives episode, and I have tons of past lives with him. I’m not going to get into the depths of the relationship today (because it’s 10 years long we will be here forever), and it’s maybe not the right time to divulge all of that. I also want to practice what I preach and not give it more energy than it deserves. We met when I was in such a pivotal moment in my life, and the relationship really shaped my other relationships and sex life for a long time. We never were actually boyfriend and girlfriend, which is the crazy thing. He expects the world to revolve around him, if I didn’t give him what he wanted in his timeline he would act out, blackmail me, and demand compliance. I was never allowed to ask for anything in return. He was always late, did things his way, I had to do what he wanted and there was no other way around it.
I don’t think I was old enough or experienced enough to recognize it until this past year as I went to therapy and coaching to help me see what he really was doing — love bombing, gaslighting, and manipulating. He had no respect for anything or anyone in my life.
So you’re like ok why did you stick around? I felt such a strong connection to him and felt this desire to help him, try to change him and make him feel emotions. I would isolate myself, stop telling my friends about seeing him, and really think I could make some form of a relationship or sexual relationship work on my terms. I did this time and time again. I would tell him to stop contacting me, I would set boundaries, and somehow energetically or with his words he would manipulate and love-bomb me back into bed with him.
I don’t say any of this to play the victim, it was absolutely my doing and my decisions to not seek help or do things differently the next time. Especially within the last year, I knew what I was doing and I knew I wasn’t living with my word. Every time I cut off communication with him, abundance in my life flowed in with ease. Every time I re-engaged, clients and money and manifestations would come to a halt. I tried making negotiations with myself to keep a sexual relationship for fun, but as well all know — sexual empathy is a real thing. I would feel energetically hungover for days after spending just a couple hours with him. I made the age-old mistake — I kept going back expecting different results and just getting the same results.
How did I finally see the light?
It was honestly a small thing that he did that I had told him an infinite number of times that I wasn’t ok with. For the 444th time, I decided enough is enough — what am I actually getting out of this? If you’re saying maybe an orgasm, you’re wrong I wasn’t even really getting that.
So I went no contact. The heart knows when enough is enough, and I had finally had it. I stopped responding. In the past when I blocked him, he would text me from another number, or I would be curious if he’s trying to contact me and unblock him. Not blocking him now is the choice that’s working best for me — going no contact, not engaging, and staying strong.
He also made me doubt myself and have no trust in myself. In the past, I haven’t trusted myself the times I said “I’m done,” but this time I really am done and I am committing to you all in this moment that I am done. For me, this acts like an addiction, so if you are feeling similarly or seeing similarities in one of your relationships, I want you to know that you have the power, you have the ability to step away, and you can heal from this.
How to leave and heal a relationship with a narcissist?
No contact is the first, most effective strategy in dealing with a narcissist. Not feeding their demands and truly isolating yourself from them.
Boundaries are vital for an empath. If it’s a relationship that needs to stay in your life, standing firm in your boundaries and setting clear boundaries with them is important. Narcissists tend to want to break the boundaries because it makes them feel powerful, so anything you can do to maintain them is best. When you do have to interact with them, be a machine when dealing with them. One word answers, no emotion, match their emotionless energy. Keeping the emotions and energy at neutral is so important. We tend to want to take power back and demand that we have power over them. When our energy is brought back down or they take the power back again, we can feel defeated. Making sure things are at neutral emotionally and energetically creates less highs and lows, which is what I’m working with my clients on.
If you have a boss or coworker that you have to interact with — feeding their ego, inflating their ego, setting firm boundaries and managing your energy after work will help you make it through the day-to-day. Understanding that it isn’t your responsibility to make their lives easier unless it has to do with your job, allows you as the empath to set boundaries for yourself.
Energetically is the hardest to separate, so cord-cutting, honorable closure, working with a coach or therapist, and removing fantasy are the key components of releasing the energetic hold it has on you.
Cord-cutting meditations are great, but I didn’t find they were effective for me until I was actually ready to separate and let go. Honorable closure is going out into nature, finding a stick and declaring that the relationship is over and breaking the stick, walking away and never looking back.
Working with a coach was especially helpful for me as I navigated the relationship. It’s especially important to speak to someone about the relationship and have them hold you accountable. It’s also important to speak with someone who won’t judge you or force you to make changes. You need to feel safe with the person, coach, or trusted friend so they can guide you to see the light yourself. If you leave a relationship for someone else, you’ll only go right back to it (just like addiction).
The biggest part for me was the releasing of the fantasizing and romanticizing the relationship and not operating from the heart. As empaths, we have a tendency to romanticize and hope for a better outcome, but we need to see it clearly for what it is — a toxic relationship that will stay a toxic relationship. You have to go no contact and cold turkey in your dreams and fantasies also.
Another key in healing that relationship was building the trust in myself that I wasn’t going back. Believe me, I went back time and time again probably like 4,444 times and each time I said “I’m done and I’m not going back,” I didn’t trust myself. It’s once I built an extremely strong sense of self and realized what I truly wanted in my partner, I was able to trust myself that I wasn’t going back. It was such a subtle shift but anytime I doubt that, I remember that I have the control and power of my actions and it further confirms my trust. I often say to myself “what a beautiful opportunity to do things differently this time.”
The relationships can keep coming up — so it’s important to spot them as you move forward because you can keep attracting them to try to resolve the relationship and reclaim power through other narcissists. It’s not your job to conquer narcissists, it’s your job to find healthy, loving, reciprocal relationships.
The purpose of these relationships isn’t to torture you or make you feel worthless. There are so many lessons about centering yourself, loving yourself, coming into your power, having choices, leaving the victim state, and re-owning your energy. They are necessary and beautiful lessons as you navigate your self-love and ownership. The beautiful part about leaving this relationship for me was I went on a date with a wonderful person right after — the universe showing me that all I want is absolutely out there and I am worthy of it.
Something to ask yourself as you heal this relationship — how did that narcissist make me think I wasn’t worthy of something better? And who is my ideal romantic/sexual partner? I realized that a lot of the manipulation within the relationship convinced me that I wasn’t worthy of what I wanted in a partner, that maybe that was the best I could get. None of that is true — for me or for you. How can you not only reframe your perspective on what true love and partnership looks like for you but how can you accept it and allow true love in your life?
The most incredible part of leaving this relationship is looking forward to all of the wonderful relationships in my future, that aren’t toxic or manipulative but loving, accepting, sexy, and everything I desire. The universe absolutely rewards us when we reclaim our power, stand firm in it, and not allow that manipulation to dominate our belief system.
As I said before, you aren’t alone. It’s something that I love to work with my clients on and help them heal from these relationships and reclaim their power and their relationships. If you’re interested in coaching, the link will be below and I am happy to guide you through that process.
Find me on TikTok and Instagram at @theelevatedempath and go check out my offerings and website at lisabtag.com to learn more about 1:1 empath coaching, Akashic Records readings, and Animal Communication readings.
Don’t forget to like, follow, share, subscribe, write a review, and I hope you feel elevated. See you next time.
