Is Sex Going Virtual?
What it means for our empathy, intimacy, data privacy, and consent laws
So my mom handed me this piece in the WSJ about the evolution of sex and if sex is going to be totally virtual in our future. Sweet mom — I don’t know how she really feels about me talking about sex, but she certainly is thoughtful in thinking of me when she sees these things and hands them over.
There were so many interesting questions this raised that I want to talk through.
Everything in our lives now is going virtual. I think some things have gone too far. Some things are great, but we are relying on technology now more than ever. We are dependent on it. Once we were forced to stay in our homes during COVID, it was all we had. The rise of porn and OnlyFans in the past year confirmed this need for technology to replace our need for sexual interactions. Dating app usage surged in 2020. What does this mean for our future?
Sex technologies are attempting to create convenience in sex and relationships.
Sextech includes sex toys, wearable devices, virtual reality, and robots. The article mentions that “it has the ability to transform our lives and be a force for good,” and at the same “raises alarms about privacy and consent.”
The potential for good includes the ability to explore our sexuality, discover new fantasies, bring further intimacy and novelty with our partner especially those in long-distance relationships, and create bonding experiences.
Inventors are working on technologies to create more intimacy specifically with long-distance partners like Kissenger. It allows you to send long-distance kisses to your partner by putting your lips up to the device and then your partner receives the kiss on their device. There is also a pillow that can include your partner’s heartbeat to it. There are of course remote-controlled sex toys that you can control on an app or with a remote from far distances. We’ve all seen the TikToks of the couples doing this at restaurants.
There are even doctors working on a device that you can implant in the spinal cord to have orgasms at the touch of a button, which might help those with disabilities or who have trouble reaching orgasms. And of course the plethora of different types of sex toys available to us that cater to every inch of our bodies.
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Is convenience good?
In my opinion, no. For humans, the chase, the desire, the build up, is all part of the satisfaction when dating or having sex. It’s all foreplay, before you even meet the person. The way we manifest and want to call in an ideal sexual, romantic, or both partner is part of the build up, which makes an even more satisfying and intense climax. It’s what creates intimacy and fulfilling sexual experiences. Most people want to feel like they’ve earned a prize in relationships and sex. It naturally makes people value it more when they’ve had to put in some work, which is why a lot of people believe you shouldn’t have sex on the first date. I believe do whatever you want to do because this isn’t true for everyone (including me lol), but I understand the perspective.
The risk with this technology at our fingertips is that it becomes a crutch and will make people go straight for the orgasm instead of enjoying the process along the way. This is also the case in manifestation — if we don’t enjoy the process along the way, the climax or the manifestation takes longer and isn’t as satisfying because we didn’t have to work at it.
So what about virtual reality?
Depending on how accessible it becomes, there are a lot of issues VR and AR would bring up for sex and relationships. VR/AR creates alternate realities where you can look like someone else or you can replicate your partner or anyone in the world. A lot of people like to fantasize about being someone else or adjusting the person they’re with, which is why roleplay is popular. Being someone else allows for disassociation, which disconnects people from their vulnerability and the fantasies they are ashamed of. VR also may open the door for you to try things you’d be afraid to try in real life. It could allow you to explore your sexuality without shame or judgement from another person, or help you learn about what you like and take it into your sexual experiences.
What’s the benefit of exploring new fantasies?
Novelty. Human beings crave novelty especially in relationships and especially in sex. I can speak to this first hand. I am always needing some type of novelty to keep things spicy and interesting. Most couples and women I work with say the same, especially after a relationship passes the 1.5/2 year mark. There was a study done that said if women aren’t pregnant by their partner within two years of being with them, they will biologically start looking for a new partner which makes a lot of couples itch around that two year mark. Novelty is important in keeping everyone on their toes. Novelty is “a bonding experience when you share something new with your partner,” said social psychologist Justin Lehmiller in this article by the WSJ.
Virtual reality may reduce infidelity, but it raises a new question of what is considered cheating.
VR would allow people to explore fantasies of being with other people without breaking the monogamous agreement in the real world, but then how would we define cheating? This would depend on each couple.
Monogamy and nonmonogamy is a whole separate episode — what that spectrum looks like, how it depends on each person in each relationship. It’s pretty fluid, some people think looking at another person is cheating, while having sex and falling in love with someone else could be totally fair game for another couple. Virtual reality brings up another layer for couples around cheating. This made me think about the final straw between Lana Rhoades and Mike Majlak. Mike was playing GTA and started chatting up a girl in one of the rooms. Once he asked her for personal information, that’s when the line was crossed for Lana and she made him kill the girl in the game. This virtual reality then crossing the line into reality was a line that should not have been crossed according to Lana.
What about consent?
Because virtual reality gets so close to actual reality, the question of consent will undoubtedly come up. Is having sex with someone virtually without their consent legal? If you can create anyone in the world, what’s stopping someone from creating an alternate you in virtual reality and having sex with you without you even knowing?
This is pretty similar to someone pulling up a video of you and masturbating to it or photoshopping a picture of you. As long as it’s private and not accessible to others, it would be the same as a video or photoshop of you in private and not illegal. This excludes the conversation of children, which any version of that would be illegal. It’s once it crosses the line beyond private holding is when it becomes illegal. So then we have to wonder who has access to this information in the VR world — is it being stored somewhere?
Who would have access to this virtual data?
Data privacy laws would need to adjust and be airtight around sex data. If we have virtual sex, is that data being stored somewhere and what’s the security around that data? If it’s public in any form, that would be considered porn. And if you’re creating someone who hasn’t approved their image to be used, is that data then public if it’s being stored somewhere?
Because of my prior job working in law enforcement relations, I wonder then if someone does something illegal that revolves around the use of this VR, does law enforcement have the ability to request certain information with the proper legal process? Even though this was a private sexual act.
The point of the laws around protecting people from revenge porn, child porn, or any use of their image that is unfavorable is the harm of publicizing it to the world or on the internet, regardless of whether the image is real or not. If any of these virtual realities become public, I can imagine there could be a lot of harm caused to those who haven’t consented to it.
Will we ever touch each other again?
I sure hope so. I remember years ago learning about these highly realistic and customizable sex dolls that cost $15,000 a piece that people bought to feel less alone. I remember it being a Vice video, but now I can’t find it because now Vice has made hundreds of sex doll videos and articles. But this concept shocked me at the time — how could people feel satisfied with just a doll?
Part of intimacy is allowing that person to see parts of you that you feel most shameful or afraid of and having them love those aspects of you. It’s the less glamorous parts of love and intimacy, but the most necessary parts of falling in true love. Dolls don’t see those parts of us. Dolls don’t challenge us emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. For some, that may be comforting but won’t challenge those deeper parts of their soul, which is necessary for expansion.
Humans need physical touch (we all realized this majorly during COVID especially). It releases oxytocin and helps us feel bonded to other people. That need for touch won’t be satisfied by a robot, as handsome as they are.
Will these advancements in technology decrease our empathy?
How many times now have I read something about sex and the word empathy shows up? In this WSJ article, they pose the question “will it push us apart or decrease empathy?” Of course my brain starts firing. Empathy is when we absorb the thoughts, emotions, opinions, energy of other people and experience them as our own. If we create sexual experiences that are totally tailored to our needs and desires, without any form of energetic exchange, it would create a dissonance of empathy in real life. Imagine someone using VR and every moment is what they want and what they need to get off. Tuning into our partner’s desires and creating an energetic exchange is what creates intimacy. If you haven’t read or listened to the podcast about the power of empathy in sex, I highly recommend it.
These advancements in sexual technology force us to consider how technology affects our real lives. Does using guns in a video game make someone more likely to commit a mass shooting? Does watching hardcore porn make someone more likely to commit rape? Or are those people going to do those things anyways and it’s more correlation than causation? Do those people use games to try to satisfy those dark thoughts and it isn’t enough, but the thoughts were already there? Or does the average person just know how to separate virtual reality from reality?
Because if we aren’t able to separate the two, then yes virtual reality would create less empathy. People who are able to recognize the difference probably would be able to still create empathy and intimate relationships. I have dated men who understand that porn isn’t realistic, and I’ve probably dated men who don’t, but those men I don’t remember. :)
So, is porn bad for us?
For centuries, we’ve attempted to censor and regulate sex. Simultaneously, nothing about sex in real life has changed — in fact, sex crimes have decreased.
In the 1970s, criminology professor Berl Kutchinsky at the University of Copenhagen, evaluated sex crimes in Denmark, Sweden and Germany as they legalized pornography in the late 60s and early 70s. He did not find any correlation between a rise in crime and decriminalization of porn. Some types of sex crime actually fell during this period, like rape and child molestation.
More recently, a compilation of more than 80 studies in 2009 concluded that a causal link between porn use and sexual violence “is slim and may, at certain times, have been exaggerated by politicians, pressure groups and some social scientists,” the authors wrote.
Virtual sex would spark the ongoing debate since we started regulating sex — does porn create intimacy problems, does porn ignite unrealistic standards in sex? Of course, everything in moderation. If someone is addicted to porn, that will undoubtedly create issues in their normal sex life. At other times, moderate porn use can expand your mind into new things you want to try or may like to try. It all depends on the person, but it would be problematic to say that all porn is good or all porn is bad. Regulating sex online or in person only festers more shame and taboo.
Why do we feel that we need these technologies at all?
If they’re designed to create a heightened experience and deeper intimacy with our partner, I understand the desire to make interesting experiences with technology. If it’s to replace real life intimacy and relationships, then I think it can be detrimental. Part of the dangers this article brought up was the concern of who is creating these technologies. If they’re designed to meet our needs instead of imposing their personal sexual values onto the masses, then they can be positive. On a personal level, it’s important to evaluate why you feel that you need any technologies at all. Of course I promote the use of toys. I have some fears that I’ll become reliant on them, but I don’t think they will replace a partner for me. Like Charlotte says in Sex and the City, a vibrator doesn’t hold your hand.
Did COVID completely change the dating / sex game?
Of course. The numbers of porn use, OnlyFans, and dating apps skyrocketed. People felt this need to connect with others even if it was virtual. It made people either get too comfortable being alone or uncomfortable with being alone for so long. As we reopen, it will be interesting to see how people will rely on the technologies that brought them comfort during the pandemic. Will these forms of comfort stay in our lives or are we desperate to reconnect in real life? If we reconnect in real life, will we have trouble creating the empathy and intimacy that we have gone so long without?
I want to hear what you think about the evolution of sex and sextech — what do you think the impact will be on our sex and intimate relationships if we continue to use it?
Find me on TikTok and Instagram at @theelevatedempath and go check out my offerings and website at lisabtag.com to learn more about 1:1 empath coaching, Akashic Records readings, and Animal Communication readings.
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